farlanhardy.net The Wayward Way - News - Contact - Home - About My Dad's Music - Arifah's Site - Buy CD Extracts From "The Wayward Way" A novel by Farlan Hardy The Wayward Way Book Two Stories from along the Wayward Way. Chapter One. It may be that my dear sweet reader is ignorant upon the subject of Zen Budhism, and if this is the case, then the following story would be totally lost to my dear sweet reader. Therefore I shall discourse breifly upon the subject of Zen, so that my dear reader can fully enjoy the first story from along the Wayward Way....... Budhism originated in India as you all know. Zen budhism however comes from the land of the rising sun. Now Zen is based upon the Master-discipal principal. You have a master what is enlightened! and you have a disciple what is in the dark and want's ter be enlightened! In all the books I've read upon the subject, the enlightened master say's ter is disciple "You cook me din din, keep me house clean See and this ull elp yer ter get enlightened." Along with this, the master also has things what he sez ter his disciple, which are one day gonna lead ter his disiple bin enlightened an all. This state of enlightenment always appears suddenly in a flash! See? but it could take years and years of house cleaning and cooking before he is so to speak properly primed for this sudden instantaneous change of state from ignorant bastard wandering about lost in is own spiritual darkness to radiant enlightened being with a superior smile. The master writes things called Koans. These Koans don't make any sense unless you're enlightened, and if yer are enlightened you don't need em??!!!** To help a disciple to become enlightened the Master will say or do something mad and irrational and even on occasions incredibly violent and dangerous! For example a master ull say "What is the sound of one hand clapping?" At which point the master flashes a superior smile at is disciple and sez "Well go and think about it yer dim unenlightened bastard and while yer at it rake over me garden!" Another time he'll say "What is the sound of a tree falling in an empty forest?" The pupil ull ave a think about it and confess he don't know. "Think about it yer dim wit." U'll say the master, flashing is superior smile and while yer at it get me dinner." Now there's a very famous incident what all the books relate, concerning the master Ke Fou and is disciple Owh Wong. Owh Wong was mad keen ter get iself enlightened. He'd bin cooking and cleaning for is master Ke Fou for years and years and he was getting pissed off not ter be enlightened after all his tedious work, See? But is master had noted that Owh Wong had a mannerism! When he was talking ter someone he'd raise is hand and shake is index finger. So one day when Owh Wong was shaking is hand and pointing is index finger at the master, saying something like "Do yer want fish and chips or steak pie and chips for yer din din." The master who had for some years bin dead irritated by this mannerism, saw is chance, wipped out is sword and chopped Owh Wong's hand right off! Owh Wong looked at the place where is hand should ave bin, saw instead an empty space and was dear reader instantly ENLIGHTENED!!! "Thank you Master" he said.. "No trouble Old son." Said the master Ke Fou flashing is superior smile. "It was a pleasure." So dear sweet reader that's all you need to know about Zen Budhism, and now yer can fully enjoy the wit and wisdom of the following conversation that took place between me and my mate Terry over thirty years ago, when we was young men still in our early teens and the world layed before us like an unopn'd oyster. Would it be a pearl or a dead old oyster? We din know, but we was young and ready to face our future with that supreme confidence and courage, which is one of the main characteristic's of youth in all it's bleeding glory.....Read on..It get's even better. ************************ Me and my mate Terry liked ter sit in my attic studio of an evening chatting and watching the sun set. Getting deep you know. One day I sez ter him. "I'm thinking a becoming a budhist I am." "Are yer?" He sez, his piggy blue eyes sparkling. "Yer." I sez "I am, what ya think?" "I think" He said, tapping is pipe out on me knee "I think you'd make a really crap budhist, you! Yer ain't got the temperament for it." "What-ya-mean?" I sez brushing the burning embers from off me cords. "Yer too passionate!" he sez "Yer too emotional! Yer too nosey!" "NOSEY?" I sez "What-ya-mean NOSEY?" "Hah, Hah!" He sez pressing the new bacco inter is pipe and striking is match on me latest painting. "I wish yer wouldn't so that!" I said irritably, examining the burn mark on me latest painting. "What? Do what?" he said. "Ah, never mind." I sez "Look what's all this about me bin nosey got ter do with bin a budhist Hay?" "Well." He sez, puffing contentedly on his pipe "Yer aint exactly detatched are yer?" "No." I admitted "No I'm not, but I could be, I could." "Hah, Hah," He chortled "Take it from me old son, yer aint budhist material." "Ok." I said "Seen as how yer seem to know so much. What do ya need to be a budhist Hay?" "You need." Sez Terry, his gaze following the smoke from is pipe up to the ceiling. "What yer need." He sez "Is ter be passionless. Yer need ter be detatched. Yer need ter be able ter look at the world and all the mess it's in and smile in a superior way and say well it's all an illusion. It's nothing ter do with me. I aint inerested, I'm not gonna get drawn iter this mad web of illusion. In short old son. Yer need ter be passionless." "Oh!" I sez thinking about it for a while. "I think I could manage the superior smile." "And!" I said excitedly "I think I could be detatched, yer I could manage a bit of detatchment." Terry looked at me thoughtfully. His eyes sparkled. Hid pipe udd gone out. He struck another match on me latest painting. It was too much dear reader. I leapt up, I got is matches and chucked em on the floor, I grabbed his pipe from is mouth and I chucked it out of the window. "Hah." He said and smiled in a maddeningly superior way. "I've been meaning to give up smoking. Thanks Farley old son." I never ever seen that man lose is cool, it was dead irritating. I bellowed at him. "Yer smug bastard. I can be as bleeding detatched as the next man I can. And passionless too. You bleeding see if I can't" He sat quietly, his face almost like a statue in the pale light from the window. His eyes sparkled. He smiled budha like and spoke. "I see." He said. "Well clearly old son, I'm quite wrong about you. I see now you'd make a great budhist." "Dam right I will. Dam bloody right!" I said pacing up and down the attic floor. The door open'd, it was me mother. "What's all the shouting? You boys having a row?" "NO." Sez me mate Terry. "Farleys showing me how ter be a budhist!" "Really!" sez me mom. "I'd ave thought he'd be too passionate ter be a budhist, too emotional!" "Oh no." sez Terry "Cool as ice our Farley." "I'll bring you boys up a nice cup of tea. Must be thirsty work bin a budhist." As she left the room I saw her wink at Terry. He winked back. I sat down in me chair. I felt strangely calm. Then I started to laugh.... ************************ "I dun a bit a budhism." Said Terry. "Did yer?" I said, my good humor fully restored.. I'd nipped downstairs to recover is pipe from the garden and was giving him a light. I struck the match on his leg, on his denem jeans. I thought I saw a momentary flicker of pain cross his face, but I could've bin wrong. Anyway he'd never let on if he was hurt. He smiled as he puffed on his pipe, the great billowing clouds of smoke obscuring for a moment his face. "Yes." He said "Zen budhism it was." "That right?" I sez, thinking ter meself, bet the bastard got bleeding enlightened, be just like him it would. "Yer." He said "You know, sound a one hand clapping, tree falling in an empty forest, that kinda thing." "Yer." I said "I know. Read up on it meself I did, thought I'd try it." I said wistfully "Fancied bin enlightened I did. thought it'd get up me mom's nose if I got enlightened." "I" Said Terry calmly, taking the pipe from is mouth and making an arc like movement across my face with it. "I got elightened!" "Yer." I said peevishly. "I thought yer would." "It's over-rated." He said. "Is it?" I said taken aback. "Oh yer." He said "Nirvana, cosmic awareness! Over-rated!" "Really!" I said starting ter feel rather pleased. "What's it like then?" "I was at a trade union meeting." He said. "I raised me hand ter make a point of order." Well I could believe that dear reader, my mate was a real pain in the arse with his bleeding points of order. Did it at the cycling club meetings an all he did. "And." He said "As I raised me hand I understood the sound of one hand clapping. "And the tree falling in the empty forest?" "Yes." He said. "That too." "And did yer hear the temple bell ringing." I asked excitedly. "Course I bloody did. If yer shut up a bit I'll tell yer about it!" "Sorry Terry." "S'O.K." He said in a kindly voice. "Where was I?" "Yer raised yer hand ter make a point of order." I said. "Right!" He said. His pipe had gone out again. I struck another match on his leg and watched him very carefully. I could've sworn I saw him wince a bit. "As I raised me hand ter make a point of order, I suddenly understood the sound of one hand clapping. I was then transported into nirvana." "Wow!" I said. "bloody great. What happened next?" He puffed happily on his pipe. "I made me point of order." He said. "But in my enlightened state I could see them Karma bound souls at the union meeting did not percieve the cosmic significance of rule thirty-six, sub-section three." "Ignorant bastards!" I said heatedly. "Indeed! Indeed." Said Terry frowning. "Stop keep fucking interrupting me, else I aint gonna tell yer no more." "Sorry Terry." I said humbly. "I left the union meeting, got me bike from the shed and cycled home. I was." He said calmly "Completely detached. In a state of cosmic awareness I was." "I bet yer was too." I said loyaly. "Suddenly!" He said "A dark figure ran into the road in front of me. I pulled on me breaks, went flying over the handlebars. No sooner had I landed, next thing I knew the bike landed on top of me!" "Was yer hurt?" I asked. "Nah, just a few scratches. I got up", Terry continued. "Picked up me bike and was confronted by the selfsame dark figure that had caused my mishap.!" "Well!" I said. I struck another match on his leg. He said "OUCH!" "Look!" He sez. ""Could you stop doing that, it bloody hurts." He grabbed the matches off me. "Does it?" I said feigning surprise. "Yes!" He sez. "It does."..."Now." he continued striking a fresh match on me latest painting and sighing contentedly as he puffed away. "Now! the dark figure was a policeman!" "No!" I said from the far side of me attic studio where I was moving me latest picture to, what was left of it, that is. Burn marks all over it. "Yes." said Terry "A policeman! He said you in't got no lights on yer bike and it's near on midnight. That's against the law yer know! "What yer say ter that Terry?" I asked happy now that me picture was safe from further arson attacks. Terry continued.. "I told that policeman I din't need no lights cus I was myself enlightened, then I flashed im me superior enlightened smile." " Hah, Hah!" I laughed "I bet that foxed him? Hay?" "No." sez Terry. "It din't fox im, but it did piss im off!" "What happened next?" I asked. "We got into a bit of a metaphysical debate." sez Terry. "Oh!" I said " That musta bin interesting." "Yer," said Terry doubtfully. "I offered to enlighten im." "Did ya?" I said "Yer a generous bastard sometimes you, Terry." Terry smile "Yes." he said "That's true." "So did yer enighten him?" "No! He arrested me!" "What fer aving no lights?" "Not exactly." said Terry looking a bit shifty. "What then?" I demanded. "Fer hitting him!" "HITTING HIM!!**? I gasped. "Well." said me friend with a cheeky smile. I din't ave me sword with me did I? Couldn't chop is hand off could I? so I dun the best with what I got!" "God!" I said admiringly "You're a compassionate bastard you are. Sometimes yer amaze me." "Amaze meself sometimes." He confessed. "So did it enlighten him, getting thumped?" "No, No." Sez Terry thoughfully. "He was very wrapped up in his karma, his illusions that policeman was. I could see he was a good few incarnations away from bin enlightened. So I grabbed me bike and scarpered!" "Wow!" I said "I thought you said bin enlightened was over-rated. Sounds great ter me." "Hah" Sez Terry "Yer get bored with it after a bit. You know bin detatched, cosmically aware. So O.K. sound of one hand clapping. Neat! But after a while yer think Oh sod this detatchment lark. I'm off to the pub, yer think. Let's get pissed." "Are you sure you was enlightened?" I asked. Looking at im with growing doubt and suspicion.. "Oh yer. I was enlightened alright. I wrote a load a Koans I did, and here look I got a photo I took a meself. Show it ter ya." He pulled out his wallet and drew from it a grubby photo. The kind yer take in booths on train stations. "See?" he said "Yer can see. I got 'The Smile'...'The enlightened smile' " Well I looked at the photo. And he had dear reader. He'd got 'The Smile' looked like the Budha he did. "Oh wow!" I said "Yer I can see. You're right. Yer look totally detatched. "Yer." He said thoughtfully.."Nirvana, cosmic consciousness, bliss, all that stuff. Over rated. I'd rather go down to the local. Ave a pint with me mates." "Yer?" I said. "Yer!" He said. He held his match in his hand, Struck it on me painting. That is the movement was made, but into thin air, cus I'd moved the painting away. Terry ad bin so absorbed in what he was saying he'd not noticed. He turned ter look at me.. He'd got 'The Smile.' "Oh! yer bastard!" He said. "Now I'm bleeding enlightened again!" "What?" I sez "One hand clapping?" "Yer! One hand clapping. Tree falling in the empty forest..the bleeding works." "Sorry Terry." I said "Oh, it's O.K." He said resignedly..."It'll wear off in a bit." ************************ Go to next extract

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